Because I'm Like a Dog...

...with a chew toy. Sigghhhhhhh.

No one will ever read this who cares, but I have to say it somewhere. Another thing no one ever thinks about in the whole Jay/Dave (because ultimately, it will now always be about the two of them an no one else) mess is what would have happened had Letterman actually been given the Tonight Show. Let's envision an alternate universe where this happens:

Jay Leno is guest hosting for Johnny Carson, somewhere around 40% of the episodes. He is hot among the younger demographic and is sustaining and/or beating the ratings when he guest hosts. He needs some job security so he isn't permanently stuck in neutral, plus he's been getting offers from other networks to host his own late night talk show, particularly at CBS. He asks NBC what they can offer him. They do not offer him the Tonight Show, instead promising it to David Letterman, who Carson prefers. Leno then chooses to leave NBC for his own show on CBS. Let's call this show Late Show with Jay Leno.

Now, let's give Jay Leno about two years before David Letterman takes over the Tonight Show when Carson retires. In this time Jay Leno stumbles around, fires his manager, retools a bit. His ratings slowly rise though at first he doesn't quite beat Carson but instead gains on him. David Letterman then takes over the Tonight Show.

Letterman creams Leno for about eighteen months. Leno plugs along, never falling in his ratings from the #2 spot and still slowly gaining more viewers. Letterman remains Letterman and so he begins losing viewers. Leno overtakes him (which he was trending toward doing even without Hugh Grant's infamous interview, you know, the one where viewers were tricked into staying with Leno because they didn't know how to change the channel the next night). Now, the great Tonight Show is #2 and Late Show with Jay Leno is #1. Leno remains #1 on CBS for fifteen years while the Tonight Show falls behind Nightline at times to #3 (which happened to Letterman quite a few times). Now, Letterman has the reputation of being the man who ruined the Tonight Show.

Now, here are what I think critics would argue: the Tonight Show name would have carried David Letterman to #1 because that is the only reason people watched Jay Leno, not because of Leno himself. So Leno would have never won against David Letterman. Counterargument: So are you saying that David Letterman is equally not as capable of carrying his own show to #1 unless he has the Tonight Show name behind him? Because he wasn't #1 without that name until Conan O'Brien took over.

What if Leno had never fired his manager or realized his show needed to be different than what it was in the beginning? Good point. That is totally valid. That would have changed the outcome. I can't really aruge that other than to say I think most of that was inevitable. CBS might not have had the leverage to force Leno to fire Kushnick, but I think Leno, who has publicly acknowledged fear of losing what he's gained, would have fired her to keep his show, Tonight Show or not.

Letterman would not have been as cranky and would have had more appeal. Maybe. But he really isn't much different now than he was on Late Night, so most likely not.

Anyway, what happened in real life cannot be ignored for people who wish it had turned out differently. If we look at the facts of the matter, Leno beat Letterman. That is history. The truth is that Jay Leno kept the Tonight Show #1 for a long time and whether one set of viewers thinks he's lame, another set of viewers thought he was funny, and one is not less valid than the other.

I don't understand the people who get upset when they are told to watch something else if they don't like what's on station #1. Turn to station #2, then. You don't like to read the Twilight books? Read Doris Lessing, then. You don't want to be a Buddhist? Then practice Hinduism. Period.

I'll express it again - I don't know why this sticks in my craw so much. These are millionaires and I don't know why I care what's fair to say about them. Whatever, I'm going to Youtube to watch some Craig Ferguson.

(P.S.) I would like to thank Mark Evanier for a lot of these ideas. He is really brilliant. You can blame him, if you wish, for enabling my obsession.