I don't talk about my FEELINGS very often because I don't feel like I really deserve to have any form of depression. What do I have to be depressed about? Who the hell am I? Aren't there people I know, who I love, who have real problems and I'm just a horrible human being for selfishly talking about me?
The answers to these questions are: Nothing. Nobody. Yes and, quite frankly, yes.
I don't know what to do with all of this. It's coming out in the novel, which has morphed from being two separate stories into one gigantic, epic...thing.
Maybe I've been misunderstanding what I can talk about here. Maybe this can be a sort of therapy, even if I am both patient and therapist. Maybe I can purge myself and maybe this can be a good enough screaming session.
It's also because I don't want anyone to really worry about me. I can take care of myself, mentally. I think. Please just read this and don't worry because I'm just venting and maybe this will at least give me some kind of relief. It is already, I can tell you that.
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You might not have clinical depression, but that doesn't mean you can't have FEELINGS. I like my life a rather lot, but sometimes when I reread my blog I'm amazed at how angsty it is. Getting it out, on page, can help you to sort through whatever FEELINGS you have.
ReplyDeleteWhat you decide to do with this space is completely up to you, of course. Use it as therapy, as a way to call out all the assholes you deal with at work, as a place to share other writing samples, a place to post book reviews, a place to do whatever you want. But don't ever feel like you need to be defensive about what you write.
It's just conditioning to feel like an eighth grader because that's how most of my family treats me. I do feel defensive about it but also a certain amount of embarrassment (I just typed that five times to spell it right). But I'm trying to get over the embarrasment because it's important to the novel, which I have finally worked through my FEELINGS of being inadequate because I don't want to write "literature." I have a lot of these worries of being mediocre, not just in writing, but in life in general.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being someone who understands other people and their fears/reactions. It's rare. The other day my boss was insulting an old coworker because he didn't react in a situation like our boss would, and I kept trying to say, "But not everyone has to think like you." She just couldn't understand that.