Writing Strong Women

My latest kick has been watching a marathon of the TV show Criminal Minds. A lot of writers shun watching television programs and prescribe a regiment of reading and writing every waking moment. Well, first of all, I call shenanigans if any writer in the modern day tries to say he doesn't watch television. It's just implausible to imagine he doesn't indulge in guilty pleasures. Second of all, it goes against the study of writing. A high percentage of television shows are scripted (even a good deal of "reality" shows) and particularly scripted television series can teach a writer about pacing, character, and plot.

Case in point: on the show Criminal Minds the main character is an FBI agent named Aaron Hotchner (played by the very handsome Thomas Gibson) who in the beginning of the series had a fairly happy marriage with a baby on the way. During the course of the first few seasons, his wife became more and more disenchanted with his demanding job and his random schedule. Eventually, she filed for divorce and took their son.

I completely understand her feelings. Especially after the birth of their child, it must have been difficult when she needed support and he couldn't be there. It must have been lonely trying to juggle doctor visits and grocery shopping and showering with less help than she would get if her husband had a nine-to-five job. It must be frustrating to plan a family picnic only for her husband to be called away at the last minute and either have to go without him or cancel. I bet it's hard to adjust to that kind of life.

But on the other hand...people like firefighters, police officers, lawyers, doctors, and investigators are everyday heroes. There are women who marry them (and men who marry women in those professions) who can sacrifice that idea of the perfect marriage because they understand their spouses can't just say "No, I won't come help with emergency surgery when there was a ten car pile-up and the hospital needs extra surgeons." If fire spreads to neighboring houses and is raging out of control, how can a firefighter say he won't come help? How can an FBI agent say he can't go save the missing victim of a serial strangler because his wife planned a family birthday party?

One might argue that there are plenty of doctors, firefighters, and FBI agents and that shows like Criminal Minds aren't an accurate depiction of how often one specific person would be called to an emergency. Fires don't really often rage out of control to the point of needing to call in back-ups. Hospitals are usually staffed with the right amount of doctors at any given time for routine emergencies. There are scores of qualified FBI agents who would be sent to a given crime scene and it's silly to portray this set of FBI agents as the only ones who are ever called and who could possibly be trusted to solve a case.

But I think that argument makes the women in these series look even worse. If we take into account the logistics of a TV show, there are on average 20-22 episodes which are usually spread out over about two days of fictional time (because they are often working against a clock where if they don't find the missing person, statistics say she won't be found alive). That means Agent Hotchner is called away from his wife once about every two weeks. He spends approximately forty-four days out of 365 not in a nine-to-five routine (with occasionally longer cases). That's actually pretty normal for anyone who has a job where he travels; he may even spend less time away than, say, a training manager or a high profile insurance salesman.

And to boot, he saves lives. This isn't being called away to Japan on business to close a multi-million dollar corporate deal. This is being called to the scene of a serial rapist whose violence just escalated to smashing the woman's head in. He's the best FBI agent to call for assistance. How would his wife feel if she were one of these women, or the family member of one of these women, and she didn't get the best because his wife feels a little lonely?

I just think it's detrimental to women to paint them as never being able to handle a marriage that isn't perfect. I think it makes women look selfish and weak. He isn't going out drinking with his buddies or intentionally pushing her away. He isn't leaving for days on end with no contact and returning with lipstick on his collar. He isn't abandoning her.

I believe women in her situation have every right to have feelings of frustration, loneliness, and anger. I believe they should express those feelings to their husbands and see if there are any compromises that can be made. I believe they have every right to decide they can't cope with those feelings and need more stability. I believe they have every right to leave that situation and seek a more satisfying marriage.

But for once I want to see a woman who struggles with these feelings but makes the decision to sacrifice herself. I know it's like throwing fuel on the fire to suggest women should sacrifice more than they do, but it takes a really strong woman to be able to make that extra sacrifice. I was reading a blog the other day where a woman said that if her husband of thirty years died she would be fine because she's a strong woman who doesn't define herself by the man she married. I find issue with that statement as one of arrogance instead of strength. I don't see how that will prove how independent she has remained. There will be a hole in her life and it shouldn't matter the gender of the person who occupied it.

But sometimes, being a strong woman is being able to accept the "traditional" role, and the strength is in the fact that she had other options but made a choice to support her husband in his difficult but necessary job. It doesn't make her less than the women who make the choice to find happiness elsewhere. I just...I just want to see a balance between these choices. I want people watching (and when they read or see a movie or any kind of written media) to know all of the options. I want them to know feminism is not defined by hating men - an all too common perception, unfortunately. I want them to know that on one hand a woman can go her whole life without needing a man to "complete" her but on the other hand another woman may feel empowered by giving her husband a loving home to return to when he's seen the horrors of the world.

When I was in college, I had a class about the philosophy of feminism. We read an article about a woman who had decapitated her two children on the lawn in front of her house. In the article, there was a round table with other women where they identified with her, joking about how there are days they feel they could follow in her footsteps. The discussion in class was about the new power women had to express these kinds of feelings - to be able to joke about post-partum depression and their feelings of hatred toward having to be the rock of the family. I'm afraid of this power. This wasn't a woman who shared her feelings of depression; this was a woman who acted on it by murdering innocent children. I expressed this feeling in class and was met with shouts that I have probably felt the same in my life. I argued and argued about the difference between discussing feelings and acting upon them. It isn't feminism to identify with a murderer. It was argued that she was suffering from a common illness and so I couldn't judge her. I understand. But I also don't. I don't feel like the article made any woman who read it go into therapy to deal with her own depression and feelings. I feel like it gave feminist dissenters an article proving that feminism is destructive.

I believe feminism is a move toward options. The woman above had options other than murdering her children. That was proven by the women who had similar feelings but found other options to release those feelings (I just wish that had been clear in the article). I just want there to be more depictions of the decisions women make and why they make those decisions, and why it's okay to make either decision but also why one is not better, more feminist, or a sign of more strength than the other (it will always be a sign of more strength to not murder children, though). I argue with my boss constantly about how people don't have to come to the same conclusions or make the same decisions she has because their lives have led them to different needs or situations. It frustrates me when she uses the phrase, "That's not what I would do if I was her." You're not. If you're worried about her choices help her see her options.

I judge people all the time. I'm not above it and I wouldn't pretend to be. One of the reasons I'm writing this is because I have recently found myself thinking more and more about a book I read last year - The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. In my original review I said "I enjoyed it well enough." I think maybe I enjoyed it more than I understood at the time. It was about the roles women were expected to play, and funny enough, it was about the new kind of woman being just as shocked by women making choices that seemed foreign to the "feminist idea." I think I may change the grade on that book. I may have to dig it out and reread it.