Head vs. Heart

Well, my brother lost custody of his daughter.  It hasn't even been court-ordered yet, but it's basically over.  I'm frustrated on many levels.  It is an internal struggle between my knowledge of abusive situations versus my emotions about my brother and his marriage.  It's very hard for me to talk about this because I feel like people talk down to me every time I try.  I DO feel like she is getting away with a lot of lies.  I also feel like my brother isn't making the right decisions about what the court needs to know about his marriage.  I feel like the court wouldn't care anyway.  Let's break down some of these FEELINGS:

1.  On one hand, on the hand connected to my head, I know that in a domestic violence situation, most of the surrounding family/friends never know about the abuse.  I KNOW that.  I know the laws that are protecting my SIL are in place for a reason, to protect women (people) from abusive situations, and that everything my family thinks she's "getting away with," such as being given emergency government housing, a free lawyer, and "all of her lies just believed without proof" is necessary, and I would want all of those things provided for me if I ever found myself escaping an abusive relationship.  I know that it looks like I am only siding with my brother because he's my brother and that it looks like I am one of those naive, blind, or angry family members.

2.  On this same hand, I KNOW my brother isn't a peach to live with.  He has a quick tongue.  He cusses, he makes inappropriate comments, he yells and calls people stupid.  I know all of that is verbal abuse.  I know he's difficult and a bit self-centered.  I know he has punched walls and went through a period of cutting himself.  I know it was probably awful to live in a house where at any moment he might start yelling.  I know that verbal abuse is just as debilitating as physical abuse.

3.  On this same hand, I KNOW that the court and the officers of the court are treating this case like they would any other divorce, and that they can only take what they see and make decisions from that.  Right now my SIL has a two-bedroom apartment that she has kept clean, where she cooks and has a babysitter and appears to have bettered herself.  My brother lives with his mommy and, at the time the court-appointed lawyer for my niece came to visit him, had all of his belongings shoved into a tiny bedroom because he had to move quickly.  It was a mess and looked trashy.  Many people lived with us, which was pointed out in detail in the court documents, and the house in general was disorganized and cluttered.  We have since moved, but still my brother lives with his mommy and doesn't have a separate bedroom for my niece.  They have separate beds, but share a bedroom when she comes.  At this time, it appears that my SIL will be providing the "better life" for my niece.

4.  On this same hand, I KNOW the things my mother and brother told my niece's lawyer were mistakes, and that they came across sounding vindictive, because instead of talking about the living situation my SIL created while they were married, my brother instead said things like, "She turned lesbian on me," and "She's obsessed with our daughter," and my mother said things like, "She's crazy," and "She's jealous of my relationship with her daughter."  They didn't talk about the frustration of my SIL refusing to get a job for years, or how her children ganged up on my brother and other members of our family to tell him what a failure he was every day, or how my SIL allowed random people to just move in with them all the time because "it's the Christian thing to do."  Nope.  And, when my brother told the lawyer that my SIL's ex-husband could tell her how this same thing happened to him, and how his stepson's girlfriend could testify to the frustration of living in that house with my SIL and her children, the lawyer asked if she needed to speak to those two people and my brother said NO.  NO!  And so it sounds like he made all of those things up because, you know, no, she can't actually go corroborate his story.

5.  BUT on the other hand, the hand that holds my heart, I BELIEVE my brother never hit or sexually abused his wife.  It isn't in him.  Even when we were little, he was all bark and no bite.  We would fight, verbally, and when he felt overwhelmed or when he felt angry he would hide in his room and cry.  Or he would shout about me being stupid, or spoiled, or what have you.  He is an extremely neurotic and sarcastic individual.  He also has asthma, tremors, and acid reflux so bad he once tried to change his oil and ended up vomiting horribly in our kitchen sink (due to having to lie on his back for an extended period).  When we lived in our old apartment he couldn't walk up the stairs without getting winded.  He helped me move my dresser six inches the other day and was winded at the end of that.  He only eats once or twice a day because otherwise, he throws up.  I find it hard to believe he would be capable of holding someone down.

6.  In this same hand, I believe that my SIL DID create frustrating living situations as well.  She hopped from job to job, and at one point refused to get a job because she was worried that my niece would stop loving her if she couldn't be home with her every single possible moment (I'm not kidding, she said that).  She refused to use her child support for her older children on any bills, food, or other necessities.  She said that money was for those children, not for my brother and their child, and so it couldn't be spent on things that benefited them (I'm not kidding, she said that).  She said it was the man's duty to get a job that pays well enough so his wife doesn't have to work, and that if he can't be the sole provider he's a failure (I'm not kidding, she said that).  She allowed people to move in with them, random people, like some dude from their trailer park and his baby.  When we found out he was on a sexual registry, she dismissed it.  Dismissed it.  And, she is a woman who claims that she and her older children were sexual abused.  She said it wasn't Christian of us to judge him (I'm not kidding, she said THAT).  Her children would bring home their friends and make two sandwiches for each person.  She said she couldn't let people go hungry.  She said that if my brother had a better job they would be able to afford feeding anyone without having to worry about feeding themselves.

7.  In this same hand, I believe she has manipulated the justice system.  She sat in our living room a few weeks ago and admitted she just let the woman from the domestic violence shelter write down whatever she wanted to, and that she just signed the paper without reading it.  When we asked her about specific situations she had alleged in the papers, she told us she didn't even know what we were talking about and that she never said any of those things.  Look, I KNOW she may have felt uncomfortable and like she was "behind enemy lines" and what have you, but her children have come to us to tell us she did this exact same thing to their father, and to several other men.  They told us she has filed charges against every man she has ever known.  Furthermore, in the court papers from my niece's lawyer, any specific situation my brother talked about, like the time my SIL "refused to take her daughter to the emergency room" is in quotation marks, is alleged, and is treated like a "he said, she said" situation.  Everything that my SIL says is not in quotation marks, and appears as though it's fact.  Like the time my brother "slammed his daughter's face into a dog cage door," except not in quotations.  That did not happen.  My brother was horrified.  He wants the court to do a taped interview with my niece, where they ask her about things like that, but the court is refusing.  It is frustrating, this feeling like there is nothing my brother could EVER do to prove he was not violent.  It does FEEL like my SIL can just make stuff up and it HAS to be taken as the truth.  And it also FEELS like she knows it.

8.  In this same hand, I believe my brother needed to talk about his own abusive past, and to talk about how he vowed he would never be like his father (we have different fathers).  My SIL talked about her abusive past and my niece's lawyer made a long statement to the court about how much she respects my SIL for wanting to learn from her abusive past and get out from under the cycle of violence.  Which, on the other hand, the one connected to my head, I KNOW abuse is a pattern and women who have been abused find hard to break free from it.  But my brother needed to talk about how it was equally verbally abusive for my SIL and her other children to call him a failure on a daily basis, and for them to tell him they were better off without him, and that they made him feel worthless and, at times, suicidal.  When he did talk about those feelings, the ones where he felt suicidal, the lawyer turned that in to a concern for his stability.  Also, in the court documents, my brother is, and I'm not kidding, NEVER ALLOWED TO MOVE OUT ON HIS OWN.  Because he works third shift, and therefore my niece would be home alone at night.  When my SIL goes to work, she has a nice babysitter named Misty, and this is talked about at length in the court documents as being very responsible and good.  But...why couldn't my brother get a babysitter, or bring my niece to my parents or me or what have you?  It also states in the documents that even though my brother lives with his mother, my niece wouldn't be properly supervised if she went swimming at our apartment's pool because...I don't understand that one.  My brother works third shift, he would be there if she went swimming, she's not swimming at night.  It's just...it just FEELS like there is nothing my brother could do to defend himself.

So, in conclusion, I'm conflicted.  The justice system is in place for a good reason.  Abused women need the upper hand because it is often hard to prove abuse, and so the court is only doing what is necessary and right in the name of abused women.  I feel like a horrible person because I don't believe my SIL.  But the truth is, I don't.  I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to help my brother.  The court is accusing him of being "fun dad" (that is the actual phrase they use several times in the documents, complete with quotations marks).  They say he buys her too many presents when she comes to stay with him.  Well, he buys her things, yeah.  Is he buying her affection?  Maybe.  But he's just nervous that, for any reason, his daughter will get used to his absence and fade out of his life.  It is a real fear.  My SIL has already asked that visitation be reduced from the normal visitation rights to only one day every two weeks and that's it.  She doesn't want him to have her ever in the summer or for any holidays.  Thankfully, the court ignored that.  The lawyer for my niece said she sees no reason why visitation cannot continue as it has.  But...I just don't know what to do about my FEELINGS that my SIL is manipulating the system.  Can we do anything?  Or are we defeated?  Will there be a way to appeal this decision and ask for joint custody someday down the line?  Should I turn the other cheek and ignore my brother's pain because the system has to work this way?  I have been writing this for two and a half hours, since 6:00 in the morning, because I couldn't sleep after reading the lawyer's referendum.  But...are all of these FEELINGS just normal when custody is involved?  How can I help my brother see that?  I've never been on this end...my sisters always got custody, no questions, no fighting, their boyfriends couldn't have cared less about custody.  My brother cares.  His daughter means everything to him.  I don't know what to do.