The Remedial Honors Class

It may be emerging from my previous posts that I struggle quite a bit with FEELINGS of inadequacy.  One constant struggle is the number of books I read in a year.  My goal recently has been to read one hundred books or more every year, and to increase that number as time goes by.  I've tried diligently to reach this goal, and have almost always nearly succeeded.  If you noticed several qualifiers in that sentence, you're a smart cookie.  The truth is I've never read one hundred books in a year.  The reason is because I can't.

I think I may need professional therapy over this issue more than any other issue I have (some may disagree).  Since I just read an article stating the average American reads four books a year, the fact that I read somewhere around sixty should not put me in such a state of anxiety.  I read more books each month than an average person reads in a year.  Shouldn't that make me feel good about myself?

Well, really, the problem is I'm not out to compare myself to the average person.  I'm comparing myself to the average writer, the average scholar, the average "intellectual."  I don't know what the average is for those individuals, but I assume it's higher than four.  I assume it's higher than one hundred.  I know another problem here is with me making an "ass" out of myself at least.  Why am I making up an arbitrary average? 

I've seen a few websites devoted to clubs where people document the one hundred books they've read in one year, and they form a community with the intention of encouraging each other toward that goal.  That's noble and I wish I thought for one second I would be able to carry out that goal, because I would join one of those websites in a second.

A friend once asked me if I read every word.  My reply of "of course" shocked her.  Her response was that she basically speed-reads through most of the books she reads, and she goes back and reads every word of the ones she finds to be outstanding.  She told me her husband reads every word, too, and so it takes him a long time to read, just like me.  I wish I could read faster, especially since I find most books to be mediocre.  But I can't.  Maybe it's the writer in me, searching through the bad and mediocre just as thoroughly as the outstanding, knowing there are lessons in each.

Recently I conducted an experiment where I timed myself reading a page of fiction.  I ended up consistently needing nearly two minutes to read one page.  When I would try speed-reading I would just end up frustrated that I didn't know what was going on by about two or three paragraphs later, because I have to know what's going on at all given times.  I can't just "get the gist" of a novel.  Even a mediocre one.

Today I tried to push myself to a certain page goal, because I wanted to be through a certain part of the book I'm reading before I return to work tomorrow.  The amount of pages to reach that goal was around 150.  It took me nearly six hours.  I know a lot of people would glare at me with contempt for whining about this so-called "problem," but it's like when my friend at work complains about having gained ten pounds and so now she has begun needing size 3 pants.  It's a problem to her, and though I shush her when someone who is buying, say, a size 16 or so is around, I know that weight gain means something more to her, like it's the symbol of lost youth or the fall of her marriage.  For me, the inability to read at a pace I feel is expected is the symbol of medocrity or laziness.

I devoted my entire attention to that book today and still it took me forever to get through it.  It isn't the time spent reading that does me in, but my ability to perform.  It's like having incredibly high metabolism, so that no matter how much I consume I gain nothing. 

I've decided to accept the number of books I can read.  I've decided for now to know my limits.  That doesn't mean I won't ever challenge them, but I think a major step forward for me right now would be to stop punishing myself, especially for something I've made up in my head.  I've decided to try to be happier with myself because ultimately, lately, I've been on a search for whom I'm supposed to be.  I don't know entirely yet, but each day I learn a little more.